Psychopath's Anonymous: The First Meeting
by animalwriter
Summary: PA Psychopath's Anonymous is a national organization for psychopaths. Run by Chenin me , it's members include Buffalo Bill, Mason Verger, and Hannibal Lecter.


Psychopaths Anonymous The First Meeting By Chenin Limback With Contributions By Tiffany Kennedy  
  
  
  
Note: I'm Chenin. Tiffany is my friend who used to pretend she had Hannibal locked in her basement.  
  
Chenin: Good evening and welcome to the first PA meeting!  
  
Hannibal Lecter: PA? You mean those things that people say announcements over in schools?  
  
Chenin: No. Psychopaths Anonymous!  
  
Buffalo Bill: (whining loudly) I wanna go home and play with Precious!  
  
Chenin: Quiet. Now let's start with admitting your problems. Mason Verger, you go first.  
  
Mason Verger: Herro. My name if Mashon Verver and I am a fychopaph.  
  
Chenin: Very good. Your turn, Dr. Lecter.  
  
Hannibal: Hello. My name is Dr. Hannibal Lecter and I am not a psychopath!  
  
Chenin: (whispering) I know that, but you're supposed to pretend you are, remember?!!  
  
Hannibal: But I don't wanna be a psychopath!  
  
Chenin: Quit complaining! Okay, James Gumb, a.k.a. Buffalo Bill, it's your turn.  
  
Bill: Uh, hello. My name is Buffalo Bill and I am a woman.  
  
Chenin: Uh, no, you're supposed to say psychopath.  
  
Bill: But I'm a woman! A WOMAN!!!  
  
Chenin: Oookay, back to you Mason Verger. What is your particular problem?  
  
Mason: I rike to hang myshelf and feed my fafe to dogsh.  
  
Chenin: That's nice. When did you start having this problem?  
  
Mason: When I wav at shummer camp in my chilshood. It all shtarted when I wav on the monkey barvsh-  
  
Chenin: Okay, we don't need your whole life story, Mason, just about how old you were when this happened.  
  
Mason: Are you fur you don't wansh to hear abouf shummer-  
  
Chenin: Yes! I don't want to hear about summer camp! Just tell me how old you were-  
  
Mason: Vell, when my fasher shtarted zuh camp, It wash in shuh shpring of 19-  
  
Chenin: NO, NO, NO!!! Just give me a number! Were you 5 or 6 or-  
  
Mason: Vell, shuh camp wash built when I wash 5, but my fasher shaid I wash too young to go zat year, and zen zuh neksht year I had vuh flu, sho-  
  
Chenin: Oh, forget it! Dr. Lecter, what is your problem?  
  
Hannibal: My PROBLEM is that I'm being made to say I'm a psychopath when I'm really not!!  
  
Chenin: Um, I thought maybe we could talk about cannibalism-  
  
Hannibal: What's to know!?? I eat people! Do you have a problem with that!!??  
  
Chenin: No, Doctor, I'm only trying to-  
  
Hannibal: I am not a psychopath! I wanna go back to Florence!! Maybe I can eat Allegra Pazzi!  
  
Chenin: Would you get your mind off food!!?? I'm trying to interview you here!!  
  
Hannibal: Maybe I'll cooperate if you get me a nice Chianti!!  
  
Chenin: Fine! Mason, go get Dr. Lecter a Chianti! Meanwhile, let's move on to Buffalo Bill. Alright Bill, what is it that you have problems with?  
  
Bill: I have problems with my sewing! See, I still need to sew the butt onto my woman's suit, but I can't find a woman with a big enough butt to do the job, so I've been looking-  
  
Chenin: No, Bill, I mean what's your mental problem?  
  
Bill: I don't have one. I'm just a woman trapped in a man's body!  
  
Chenin: If you say so. When did you start to feel like you were a woman trapped in a man's body?  
  
Bill: What do you mean "when"!? I've always been a woman trapped in a man's body!!  
  
Chenin: Okay, but when did you start to notice it?  
  
Bill: I don't remember!! Stop asking me so many questions! You're confusing meeee!!!  
  
Chenin: Oh, for God's sake, stop whining! Oh, good, Mason, you're back with Dr. Lecter's Chianti!  
  
Mason: (wheels up to Hannibal). Here if your Chianchi, Docsher Recsher.  
  
Hannibal: Thank you, Mason. Now, all I need is some fava beans and your liver to go with it! (Lunges at Mason)  
  
Chenin: (pushes a red button on the arm of her chair and electricity zaps Hannibal). Down, boy.  
  
Hannibal: AAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!! You electrocuted me!!!  
  
Chenin: Naturally. We can't have you eating Mason and Bill, now can we?  
  
Hannibal: WHY NOT!!!????  
  
Chenin: BECAUSE I MIGHT GET SUED AND I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!! Anyway, if that weren't the case you could go ahead and eat them.  
  
Mason and Bill: WHAT!!?? (VAT!!??)  
  
Hannibal: Okey Dokey! I'll eat them some other time.  
  
Chenin: Thanks.  
  
Mason: And he fez he'sh nof a fycopaph.  
  
Chenin: Hey! If he says he's not, then he's not!  
  
Mason: Buf, how can he notsh ve? He'sh a cannibar afsher all!  
  
Chenin: It's simple! He only eats rude people! There's a method to his madness!  
  
Hannibal: I AM NOT MAD!!!  
  
Chenin: It's only a figure of speech.  
  
Hannibal: Oh...  
  
Mason: Ofay. Zen if he'sh nosh a fycopaph ven why ish he here?  
  
Chenin: We need a minimum of three members in order to be considered a national organization! Plus, I wanted him here so that I could- (blushes) Never mind! Now it's time for each of you to discuss your feelings. Mason, what is something that really bothers you?  
  
Mason: Vell, zuh fact zat my fasher's shummer camp wav shut down becuf of rack of fundsh-  
  
Chenin: Not summer camp again!! Can't you think of anything ELSE to talk about!?  
  
Mason: Buf shummer camp wav jusht zuh highright of my chilshood-  
  
Chenin: Well nobody cares about summer camp! We're here to talk about your mental problem!!  
  
Mason: Vat menshal probshlem?  
  
Chenin: The one about feeding your face to dogs!!  
  
Mason: Oh, shat!!  
  
Chenin: Oh, shit, what?  
  
Mason: No, I shaid, 'Oh, shat!'"  
  
Chenin: Well, nobody can understand you!  
  
Mason: Zat'sh becaush I fed my fafe to dogsh!  
  
Chenin: Okay, then let's talk about that!  
  
Mason: Vell, it all shtarted at shummer camp-  
  
Chenin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! If you say one more word about summer camp, I'll.I'll.  
  
Hannibal: Let me eat him?  
  
Chenin: I'm starting to consider it... Okay, Buffalo Bill, why don't you tell everyone what really bothers you?  
  
Bill: (starts to cry) I'm not a womaaaaaaannnnnnnnn! I don't have enough money for the operatioooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!I have to resort to making a suit, and it's hard to make ooooooooooooooooooone! I wanna be a womaaaaaaaannnnnnnn! I wanna, I wanna, I wannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
Chenin: OH, SHUT UP, YA BIG BABY!! Anyway, Dr. Lecter, what is it that bothers you?  
  
Hannibal: You mean besides them? (gestures to Bill and Mason). Well, rude people bother me. Dr. Chilton used to bother me, but I ate him.  
  
Chenin: I'll accept that answer. Now, since you are a psychiatrist, would you be kind enough to give a diagnosis on these other two?  
  
Hannibal: They're both rude and would taste good with caviar.  
  
Chenin: I can't argue with that.  
  
Mason: Now, jusht a minush! I shink zat you two should shtop inshulting ush!! We fychopaphsh haf feelingsh too!!!  
  
Chenin: Nobody said you didn't. But, besides that, nobody said that joining PA would be a positive experience. This organization is not responsible for depression or suicide as a result of being insulted in one of the meetings. On the other hand, the organization may be held responsible for murder if Hannibal Lecter eats one of you.  
  
Hannibal: That's too bad.  
  
Chenin: Yeah, it really is.  
  
Mason: I shee.  
  
Chenin: Now, in conclusion of today's meeting, all of the psychopaths-  
  
Bill: I'm a woman!!  
  
Chenin: (rolls eyes) We know. Anyway, all of you should go around in a circle and state something positive that you learned today. Buffalo Bill, you go first.  
  
Bill: I learned that I'm a woman.  
  
Chenin: But you were saying that before you came here.  
  
Bill: (whining) But I don't know what else to saaaaay! You're confusing meeeeeeee!  
  
Chenin: Please stop whining, you're giving me a headache! Alright, Dr. Lecter, you're next.  
  
Hannibal: I learned that if there were more people like them in the world, I'd never have to worry about going hungry.  
  
Chenin: Well, that's a good lesson. Mason, what did you learn?  
  
Mason: I learnshed zat zer ish someone who'sh actually crashier zen me!  
  
Chenin: And who would that be?  
  
Mason: Zish Buffaro Woman here! Now, he'sh meshed up!  
  
Bill: What do you mean!? You're a meany!!  
  
Mason: And he'sh a bavy too!!  
  
Bill: (whining very loudly) I AM NOT A BABY!!  
  
(Chenin and Hannibal exchange glances)  
  
Mason: Yesh, you are, you're a big shcrewed up bavy!!  
  
Bill: I AM NOT!!! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!  
  
Mason: (singsong voice) Bavy, bavy, Birry ish a bavy!!  
  
Bill: I'll kill you, you meany!!! (lunges at Mason)  
  
Mason: (stands up) Rook! It'sh a miracle! I'm cured!! (lunges at Bill)  
  
Chenin: I really don't know which one of them is crazier.  
  
Hannibal: It's one of life's greatest mysteries.  
  
Chenin: (smiles at Hannibal and moves over to sit next to him) Well, I think this first meeting went well.  
  
Hannibal: (smiles back) Very. Would you care for some Chianti?  
  
Chenin: Thank you, I'd love some!  
  
(Chenin and Hannibal sit talking and sipping Chianti as Mason Verger and Buffalo Bill try to kill each other in the background)  
  
Tiffany: (rushes in) FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Chenin: Hi Tiffany!! You came just in time for the end of our PA meeting!  
  
Tiffany: PA?  
  
Chenin: (annoyed) Psychopath's Anonymous...? The meeting I've been talking about all week....????  
  
Tiffany: Oh yeah!!! That PA.  
  
Chenin: (rolls eyes) Oh my God.  
  
Tiffany: (notices Hannibal and strides over to him) Hey Hanni!  
  
Hannibal: .hello.  
  
Tiffany: (smiles sweetly). . . HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET OUT OF MY BASEMENT!!!!!!????? I HAD THE ROPES TIED SECURELY!!!!!!!!! HOW DID YOU ESCAPE!!!????  
  
Hannibal: Well, you see-  
  
(Chenin whistles innocently)  
  
Tiffany: I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!!!! I HAD TO WALK FOR FIVE HOURS STRAIGHT JUST TO GET HERE!!!!!!!! YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I REMEMBERED CHENIN'S MEETING!!!!!  
  
(Hannibal cowers slightly)  
  
(Mason and Bill stop long enough to watch Hannibal get chewed out by Tiffany)  
  
Mason: Heysh, look vat thatsh! Mannibar ish shcared of a GIRL!!!!!!!! (sniggers)  
  
Bill: Yeah.....I want her to be my GIRL FRIEND!!!! Not in that way of course, but you know.....YOU GO GIRL!!!!!  
  
(Mason and Bill start acting like cheerleaders)  
  
Chenin: . . . . I'm surrounded by maniacs. . .My meeting has turned into a disaster...  
  
(Tiffany, out of breath, finally stops scolding Hannibal)  
  
Hannibal: Are you done?  
  
Tiffany: (in hoarse voice) Yes. You really scared me there, Doctor. How would I know if you got captured or something? I wouldn't have found out until it was too late. Until after they...gave you the needle... (bursts into tears)  
  
Hannibal: (smiles gently) I apologize for doing so. I will never scare you like that again.  
  
Tiffany: You'd better not!!!!!!!! (sniffles)  
  
Bill: (walks over and puts arm around her) Hello. I'm a woman! (glances down at her arms) You have, er, b-beautiful skin...  
  
(There are a few moments of silence and Hannibal starts to look really mad)  
  
Tiffany: (eyes widen in terror) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away from Bill and hides behind Chenin and Hannibal) SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts wailing loudly)  
  
Chenin: Tiffany, calm down!!!!!!  
  
Tiffany: DON'T LET HIM TAKE MY SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hannibal: Do I have permission to eat him now?  
  
Chenin: No, or else we wouldn't have enough members!  
  
Hannibal: (points to Tiffany who is hiding behind him in fear) She seems crazy enough.  
  
Tiffany: I AM NOT CRAZY!!! I am just as sane as you are!!!!!  
  
Hannibal: Hmmm.I think I'll cook something for you tonight, then we'll see who's crazy.  
  
Tiffany: Deal.  
  
Chenin: Huh?  
  
(A bunch of dogs run into the room and up to Mason)  
  
Mason: YOU WILLSH NOT HAVE MY FASHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (backs away from dogs in fear; climbs up on table, and starts crying like a baby)  
  
Dogs: Arf! Arf!!!!  
  
Bill: See, he's a baby too!!!!  
  
Mason: I AM NOSH!!!  
  
Tiffany: They both are.  
  
Chenin: Yeah. (runs up and hugs one of the dogs) See, these cute widdle doggies wouldn't hurt anybody!!!  
  
(The dog licks Chenin's face)  
  
Tiffany: Aww, they're so cute, I want one!!  
  
(Chenin picks up a stick and throws it, and the dogs all run after it, knocking over the table that Mason is standing on. A loud crack is heard as Mason hits the floor)  
  
Mason: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY LEGSH, MY LEEEEGGGGSSSSSHHHHH!  
  
Chenin: Stop bleeding all over the floor, Mason!! Don't you have any respect for cleanliness!!??  
  
Tiffany: Uh, Chenin, he's still bleeding.  
  
Chenin: Oh, for heaven's sake, somebody call a doctor!!  
  
Hannibal: I'm a doctor!  
  
Chenin: Well, I was kind of hoping for a doctor that won't eat him after the examination!  
  
Hannibal: Picky, picky, picky.  
  
Chenin: Sorry. Look, you can eat him later, okay?  
  
Hannibal: You mean it!!??  
  
Chenin: Sure, just as long as it's not during one of our meetings!  
  
Hannibal: I suppose that's fair enough.  
  
(Suddenly the paramedics arrive out of nowhere and drag Mason off)  
  
Chenin: Okay, meeting's over! Everybody go home!!  
  
Bill: Oh good!! Now I can work on my suit!!! (walks off yelling at the top of his lungs) PRECIOOOOUUUUUS!!! MOMMY'S COMING HOME!!!!  
  
Chenin: (rolls eyes) What a nutcase.  
  
Tiffany: C'mon, Hanni, let's go home and have that dinner!!!  
  
Chenin: Don't forget! Our next meeting is at 6:00 on Wednesday!! Hannibal: (smiles) I'm looking forward to it immensely...  
  
Chenin: (blushes) M-me too!! Good-bye, Dr. Lecter! Bye, Tiffany! See you Wednesday!!  
  
Tiffany: Bye!!  
  
Hannibal: Ta-ta!  
  
(They leave. Then Chenin leaves with all the dogs as the janitor comes in to clean the blood off the floor)  
  
THE END 


End file.
